Women...? In Religious Movements! (I found a place.. in my mind)

I really wanted to share this yesterday but my wifi was tripping so here goes:

It's Sunday and praise and worship is rife on most social networks as can be expected every Sunday. 
Reading these religious updates got me thinking..
I don't know if I'm a feminist, like, a hardcore feminist BUT I know that I love and respect the female species and my heart bleeds a little every time I hear of one getting raped, beaten or even just not being treated with at least an ounce of respect.

Then Mother Nature comes to mind, the trees, the soil, the air - they all exist in such perfect chaotic harmony and make life possible on this planet.
Just like the Nature of a woman.  Fertile, child-bearing, capable and most importantly, woman are beings just as our male counterparts.

 So I fail to understand just why it seems that in the entire history of the world - culturally, traditionally, RELIGIOUSLY, women are the boot-lickers of society.
I can't understand it and so now I'm just tired and I refuse to accept or have history repeat itself well especially not for myself.

That being said I imagined a religion that I might have been truly inspired to follow:

God is a woman. She has a vagina and through it the world as we know it came into being.

Mother Nature is equivalent to Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed etc because just as they did, Mother Nature always, all ways reveals truths.

 Leaders of note within the religion would be women like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Helen Keller, Marie Antoinette, Maya Angelou, Mother Theresa, Pocahontas, Rosa Parks,
Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti, Miriam Makeba, Yaa Asantewa and others alike

 The followers of this religion would operate like Lionesses, supporting each other and working strategically to make life better for the world entire.

 Rituals would involve ploughing the fields in appreciation of Mother Natures food bearing qualities; dancing in the moonlight taking pride in the bodies provided by mother God; The changing seasons, sunrise and sunset would be our teachers and other such lovely activities!!

 Aaah, dare to dream :)

Anyways I think it best if we all (male and female) simply followed the purity of our hearts.
Church is wherever God is, whatever you perceive Him or Her to be and a part of God lives within us all so church is wherever you are. 
Get to know yourself and you'll find God.
Love is God, God is Love.

 PEACE

 

BabyMomma-Love & BabyDaddy-Drama (wake up & realize, real lies)

This is not a post about the babydaddies that stuck around
This is not about the man who tagged along to prenatal visits with the woman bearing his child.
This is not about the man who was there on the day of the birth of his seed and everyday following.
This is not about the prince that makes sure nappies and milk are stocked up for his baby.
This is not about the king that stays up late changing diapers and feeding his little one.
This is not about the chief that kisses booboos, shows love and gives little cuddles to little people.
This is not about the daddies that are worthy of the title.

This is for the babymommas desperately holding onto the cracks in the foundations of the dreams of a happy family.
This is for the babymommas hopelessly clutching at invisible strings holding together two people who once came together to bring about the existence of  a beautiful being but who can no longer be.

Ladies. Wake up!
Its 2AM on a Friday night, your baby is having a screaming match with you and guess where the man that you are dying to be with is?
He is in the club buying out bottles for other women in the VIP;
He is in bed with his new lover;
He is off on a weekend getaway with his boys;
AND to be quite frank he could care less about you and the sleepless nights you have raising HIS child.  He has gone on to live the life of a childless man and yet you still insist that the two of you belong together!!
I understand, he is the father of your child and you care about him, you always will, I mean he did help make the most important little person in your life after all.
You want to believe and dream of a day the three of you will be a happy family, you tell yourself that if you keep sleeping with him and making yourself emotionally available for this man that one day he might realize how great you are and maybe even marry you.

I'm not here to crush dreams and I'm not saying that it won't happen but at least only give yourself to him if and when he starts proving himself as a father to someone who is his blood.
Because if he cannot be loyal and responsible in his own child's life then what makes you think he will commit to you in any way?
And lets say he does not end up committing to you. That means that you might miss out on a chance with someone who truly wants to be there for you and who will exhaust all his efforts to do so.

REALIZE:

1  You and your little one(s) already are a family with or without a man
2  You can be as happy as you allow yourself to be
3  You deserve a man that takes care of his responsibilities
4  Continuing a sexual relationship with this man (babydaddy) will not guarantee his return
5  Any man would be luck and happy to have you (at least any man smart enough to know when he has a good thing)

It is alright to let go, to move on and allow love in your life even if it does not come from the father of your child.
Do not become disheartened, love does exist.
Your child is a blessing embrace those late nights, bond with him/her at every opportunity and strengthen your family ties with them. 
Show love and instead of wasting energy on a man who is no longer interested in you or the well being of his child, save your energy for your baby - he/she needs and deserves it more.

INTUITION... What You Wishing?

I'm currently reading a book by my favorite author, Paulo Coelho entitled The Alchemist.
I know its fairly old and long overdue but this is the way the universe works.
One day a certain somebody is telling me of an Arab expression frequently used in the book, "Maktub" (it is written);
The next, an old friend kindly hands it over to me and now, here I am enthralled and fascinated with the book to the point where I'm having lovely late nights happily paging away in bed during these chilly winters nights.
Anyhow I'd like to share a passage from the book concerning Intuition as well as an old poem I'd written on the matter:

"Intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it's all written there." - Paulo Coelho

THE POEM:

Voice within her heart
Lead her into Light
The way her heartbeat beats beats, that become transmitters
... Sending endless chains of love to her brain, keeping her sane.
Follow the rainbow
Chase the wonder
Go for gold.
This is the data sent from the channel deep within.
When she uses intuition there's no need left for pondering
For truth is something the soul always knows

Tantric Twin Flame

Maktub - It Is Written;
Of passion, of love, of lust
Of heated moments and sweet memories:

Awareness on the breath.
Forget time and space.
Bringing self fully here within this place.

When you breathe me in,
Let the memories come flooding in like a raging sea.
Remember me like it was just yesterday when you took my physical being
over and over and over again.
When you buried your treasure deep down inside my sacred fortress
When you made a home for being in my soul
Submerged in the wetness resulting from the storm within the raging sea.
Embraced by my essence, covered in my warmth
As our skins collide;

Ignite a flame within my soul;
Tantric Twin Flame.

Scared of Happy

After tons of heartbreak when happiness shows me her face I tend to shy away.
I get so scared and confused.
It's sad because fear is after all only False Evidence Appearing Real.
I see this person that fills me with so much Light  but I fear what may happen if and or when he walks away.

The Sins of the Father

What baffles me is how you can grow up in the same household as someone else and not feel any form of emotional connection to the person in question.
How one can feel so detached from a person you supposedly share the same genetic make up with, the person who supplied you with 23 chromosomes in order for it to be possible for you to even exist in the first place.
How does one not feel infinite love for such a person?

What goes so terribly wrong between two such people connected in this way that they cannot even have a conversation without the parent causing endless amounts of pain and psychological damage to the child?
Why is it that this parent can only speak and act in an aggressive manner toward his daughter?
Why is it that the father chooses not to be gentle, kind and considerate in his dealings with his daughter?
Why does he feel the need to break down her strength and squeeze every ounce of care out of her crying heart?
Why does he look at her with hatred in his eyes?
Why does he look down on her with the dark shadow of disappointment glaring in his eyes.
Why does he reject her, neglect her in ways that make her seek only those things from men because that's how she's been cultivated to know 'love' from male energy.
All she could do was assume that his maltreatment of her was love because fathers are suppose to love their daughters right?

Why does she allow him to treat her this way and make herself vulnerable to this kind of abuse?
How does she begin the process of forgiveness and healing that she knows will set her free?

Will she forever be tied down to these sad and sorry excuses of memories she has of her father?

SELF-HATE.... blah, blah, BULLSHIT!!!

I am so tired of hearing this bullshit about how black women supposedly hate themselves because they wear Brazilian extensions, fake nails and lashes.

Are you insane?? Listen up fellow Africans, we are living in a Western society if you haven't noticed!! We drive in Western vehicles I mean I don't see YOUR ass riding down independence avenue on a horse or pulling up to the club in a Donkey Cart?
We live in Western-styled homes, I don't see your ass living in a hut, burning cow dung and what not in your backyard!! 
We all wear Western clothes, eat Western food and even worship Western gods! Yes, the information that you have about your precious Jesus Christ was brought to Africa by Western missionaries who by the way even used their religion to enslave our ancestors.
Even the very undergarments we wear are Western, most of the music and movies on your precious DSTV aren't African honey get over yourself.

Look I understand and respect the whole natural hair movement, I cut off my relaxed hair too!!  I wanted to see how I really look, feel my natural hair texture and also, relaxer is expensive man.  I think its important to know your true self physically and spiritually but I also think it is equally important to stay true to your self.  People judge you either way so just do what makes you feel good and the rest doesn't matter at all.  You need to be honest to who you believe yourself to be.  It doesn't make sense to uphold an image that you're unhappy with for the sake of the approval of society.  If you want to bury your face under 2cm of makeup then go right ahead. If you want to wear 8 inch high heels out to brunch then do it. If you want to buy and wear 32 inch Brazilian extensions then just do it.  You don't need permission from anybody especially if you make your own money and can afford such lavish items!!

So sit back and reflect on all the things that you do that's not completely African before you start judging the next African.

Letting Go

Sometimes all you need in order to get over someone is for that person to stop playing games with you, to stop stringing you along like some puppet and to stop playing the tunes that you just love to dance to.
Sometimes all it takes is for the person to be open, honest and real with you.
Sometimes all you need is for the person to look right into your eyes and tell you, in no uncertain terms that you are not what they want.

You need to hear the words.
You need to hear from them, that it is over,
that you two are done,
that you two will never be.

But sometimes the person in question is a coward.
He is too selfish to let you go.
He wants you to be his fail-safe.
He wants you in his loveless clutches for life.
He want to fall back and forth into you as it pleases him (literally)

So he denies you the words that could save your life,
the words that could set you free,
the words that could give you a chance at happiness (with someone else)

This pushes you to make an executive decision.
You need to take back your power.
This man does not own you, you are no slave of his.
You need to protest, object!
You have to take matters into your own hands,
Mend your heart.
Free yourself from this love that you've allowed yourself to be a prisoner of.

My Mantra:  (with love from my bestee)
                      "Be okay my heart, Be alright" (repeat, repeat, repeat)

A line from Calafornication:  "I know you told me to believe in happy endings but if someone keeps screwing up, eventually you just gotta say 'Fuck you' or something to that effect"

The Birth of Black Gold (Damian-Lee)

The first nine months of my life in the womb were probably the best months of my life.
Encased within the protection of a warmth filled with water that provides tranquility and submerged in peace.
A thick layer of love offering lioness like strength to protect beyond the wildest of measures.
All knowing-nothing paradoxical type of wisdom.

So when I discovered that there was a little person growing inside my container of love my heart melted into a new, bigger, more forgiving, more loving heart.
My heart would swell with the growth of my belly.
Growing bigger, expanding, extending more and more with every kick, every beat, every craving.

The black gold took over my being entire and made everything pure in preparation to receive such splendid innocence.
When the time came for me to release him unto this earth,
joy overrode the so called pain many others hyperbolized to me about.
Love to took over my senses and numbed my nerves.
Bliss came over my being and calmed my breath as I bore down the weight
Of a little bundle of love coming in at 3.460kgs at about 18h05 on a rainy afternoon.

Once the Black Gold was born he lay on my chest and looked deeply inside my soul
With an intense expression bringing tears to my eyes and just when I thought my heart could no longer grow it expanded once more as I breathed his essence in.

Such was the day Black Gold was born unto me,
He who changed my world entire
He who embodies unconditional love.

RIP (to lost energy)

So a while back I wrote a poem which was inspired by William Blake and Maya Angelou
 dedicated to all the women who have been victimized by the terrible crimes against women in Namibia. Your feminine, motherly, sisterly energy will remain in our hearts forever.

I had the great honor of performing this piece twice, once on the stage of Spoken Word and then again at the Woman of Substance Conference at the Hilton Hotel, opening for Connie Ferguson.

This one is for you ladies. Rest In sweet Peace.

"You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies
... You may trod me in the very dirt but still like dust I rise"
Come at me with hatred and lies
Scheme, plan and plot my demise
Laugh and poke at my crying eyes
but time and again I rise.

My power scares you
My light is blinding
My love so enticing it leaves men like you imprisoned in a jail that only requires you to be free
unlike that which you've become accustomed to.
In spite of you, your whips and your chains
my light and energy comes from a force that never dries out at the source so no matter what you do, I rise

And in the words of William Blake, “One thought can change everything”
One thought brought us out from the huts of history’s shame
And up from a past that's rooted in pain
With my thought I Bring the gifts my ancestors gave
Because the power of my thought houses the dreams and the hopes of women who came before and for me

I am the beauty of Cleopatra
I am the lioness of the pride
I am the wisdom of Hypatia
the purity of Mary
the seduction of Eve
the nativity of Pocahontas
and the divinity of Krishna

I am the root, the bud, the tree
and just like the seed, I RISE.. ©

The Sorrows of a Self-taught African Yogi

About two years back a very good friend introduced me to Yoga and I fell deeply in love.
I loved the way it made me feel.  For the first time after I gave birth to my beautiful little boy I found something that made me feel sexy and strong.  After doing my first Sun Salutation which is like a basic sequence of postures mostly used as a warm in yoga, I was eager to learn and do more.
I searched in the internet for more information, what was this beautiful art called Yoga?  Where did it come from?? I had so many questions but no guru (teacher) nor did I have a place I could go to, to practice that is affordable for a student. 
Instead of giving up I continued to practice gather as much information as I could.  I imitated almost everything I saw (or rather tried to) and I had fun with it.

I was learning so much about myself, about my body, my inner beauty and strength.  I began to challenge myself by staying in the different postures for longer periods of time.  I disciplined myself, I never skipped a single day of practice.  My hunger for more yoga was insatiable.

I wanted to share the joy I'd found in yoga with more people so I organized yoga days and spoke of it daily, started a page on facebook ( YBB - Yoga By Beauty) and began teaching others what I'd taught myself.  The joy I got from my 'students' was immeasurable!! It made me want to find my own guru which I thought I did but some of these classes are super expensive so I left and continued to be my own guru with the help from books and the internet. 

Then something terrible happened.  I had an operation and fell into a slump.  It was terrible, during my time of bed-rest I could barely walk, let alone practice yoga.  Those were the worst three weeks of my life!! 3 WHOLE WEEKS WITHOUT YOGA!!! It was excruciating and now I don't know why but after my surgery I just haven't been into my practice the way I used to be.  Maybe its fear of getting back into it and then having it torn away from me by some silly (but needed) surgery again.
I'm still trying to figure it out.  My students keep asking when we'll be resuming practice and I'm running out of excuses. 

It makes me really sad to feel so far from something that I once was so dedicated to and that I still love beyond measure so I'm hoping that maybe someone kicks me in the butt and I get back in the game again sooner than later!!
This is the first time I've actually addressed this issue and I guess it's my cry for help also. 
Maybe now that I've put it out there, I'll help myself to a daily dose of yoga the way I used to.

Dealing With The Breakup Blues

Having to let go of someone that you love is a difficult thing to do especially when you live in a small city where everybody knows everybody and you can't even leave your house without running the risk of bumping into your ex around every other corner!!
Then there are the annoying questions from people that you hardly know about why you guys broke up and telling you how much they think you should be with your ex, how right you two are for each other and and AND!  Not only is it frustrating but it also becomes downright annoying!
Like for crying in a beer, if I could I would be with my ex but I can't because the asshole walked out on me!
He's somewhere on the other side of town with a girl that just finished high school this year probably ogling her perky little b-cups while I'm over here answering your stupid questions feeling like a fool and crying inside.
Now take a hint from my fake-smile and excuse me, I need to go weep in the bathroom at the bar that we're at :''''( 

I've been on the receiving end of so much advice when it comes to dealing with a break up. I've been told that ''the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else.'  Just last night a friend told me 'Loosing someone that you love through a breakup is like having someone that you love pass away'!!!??? I told him that I understand what he means but lets be real, I don't see dead people holding hands with their new girlfriend in the clubs that I frequent!!

After about 3 years of being hung up on my ex I took to asking a few friends to give me a list of five tips they have for getting over an ex.  Some of the answers are really interesting and FUNNY and I plan on doing most if not all of them in the hopes that I finally get the person in question out of my system once and for all.

I do however do feel like I need to share that I have kept my distance from my ex, I do not stalk him nor do I harass his new girlfriend.  I've let him know that I still love him and that when he's ready and if I haven't moved on by the time that he is ready that I will gladly have him.  I still believe we could make it work because maybe the timing was off back then. Or maybe I'm just holding onto invisible strings but I am a hopeless believer in love overcoming all obstacles and breakups and I am willing to give the asshole another shot because he means so much to me.
Nonetheless I am going to try the things on the lists because I have to try right?
You know, incase I get bored of waiting on his comeback ;)

Below are some of the tips I've collected to help me (and maybe you) get over our exes:

1. Drink (get drunk and numb the pain)
2. Cry (let it all out. cry as often as you need to)
3. Just move on, let go
4. Take a trip out of town
5. Get high YAAAAY
6. Spend time with people that you love (not your ex! people that love you back)
7. Rebound sex (eeeeek!!)
8. Get mad, get even, get revenge. LOL! NO!
9. Get rid of all reminders of him (noooo I love sleeping in his jersey)
10. Avoid the places he frequents (But I wanna see him though)
11. Make yourself feel good (masturbation? HYFR)
12. Always make sure to look your best (always try to anyways)
13. Go out as often as possible (Its cold out though)
14. Step your game up
15. Avoid communication
16. Accept that it's over :-(
17. Find yourself
18. Stay positive (How?? I lost the love of my life!!)
19. Pamper yourself (HYFR)
20. Get dolled up and make sure he sees you
21. Ignore him
22. Keep busy
23. Meet new people
24. Distract yourself
25. Do everything you couldn't do in the relationship
26. Every time you think of him just tell yourself over and over again to forget about him
27. If all else fails, see number 26 :'''''D

It seems that everyone has their own way of dealing with the breakup blues, my advice:
Do whatever works for you.

Thank you to everybody that gave me their little lists and to YOU for reading and if you're ever in need of a really long list of methods tried and tested by people just like me and you, you know where to find them :)

Repetition.. The Father of Learning?

Is repetition truly the father of learning? 
Because I've allowed myself to fall back into your bed, to run back into your arms, to go back to what we used to be in the hopes that maybe one day, maybe some day we could go back to what we once were, in my imagination.
Still I have yet to learn my lesson, even after all this repetition.

This pattern of behavior seems to be engraved into my skin, I know it like the palm of my hand.
I can recite the story of me and you if someone were to wake me from my sleep at 3AM on a cold winters night.

I could tell the tale of how I've given you my whole heart, my only heart and of how you toy with her as if you don't care that in you hands you hold the very thing that keeps me alive.
I would tell the tale of how every time your body calls for me I run to you with no shame.
I could tell of the numerous times I've confessed my undying love for you, to you and how you hit me with rejection and games where you play pretend.  Act as though you love me but never commit to this tall tale you tell.

If repetition were the father of learning I'd have learned a long time ago that you do not love me, that you do not care, that you are simply an actor who enjoys his role as king in the drama that this delusional girl has written.
That nothing that I do or give you will ever make you want me or need me the way I know I deserve.
If repetition were the father of learning I'd have packed up my heart and walked out on you about a few eons ago but I guess it is not.
For just like a fourth year student stuck in 1st year for the fourth time I refuse to move on.

Repetition Is Not The Father of Learning. Not for me, not when it comes to us.

Consistently Inconsistent

Ever felt as though there were about a thousand different sides of yourself just waiting her turn to emerge to be brought forth unto this dimension?
Well this is how I feel just about every other day. I have a crazy obsession with novelty, a passion for exploration, an insatiable need to constantly change myself.

I have no idea if it has something to do with me maybe, possibly being mentally ill or if I'm just one of those people that are that easily bored.  Anyhow, I realized just how consistently inconsistent I've been over the past years when I went out wig shopping just yesterday.  I was longing for a different texture, a different hair color, something that would make me look and feel completely different.  I never in my life thought that I'd ever be interested in buying or wearing a wig but after years of having relaxed hair, lo and behold, I got bored so I went over to a friends house and begged them to chop it all off. I felt like a new person on that day, it was exhilarating, I'd never felt so physically free in my entire life. Having my hair cut off made me change my perspective of beauty.  I always thought that being beautiful was to have long or soft hair and the first few nights regret consumed me and I cried myself to sleep cursing my kinky teeny weeny afro.  I hated looking in the mirror, I hated the reaction people would have when they first saw me in my truly natural state until I got bored of feeling sorry for myself.  So one day I washed my hair, put some conditioner in it and fell in love with the tiny curls on top of my head.  After about a month I had my hair in braids and now I am a proud wig-owner.  I've learned to love my natural hair, I'm still learning how to manage and take care of it but that doesn't mean that I don't get bored of it.

Change is good, we should all embrace change.  Change demotes attachment to things be it physical or emotional. Change is NOT boring. Change is beautiful and exciting and even though change may be frightening at times, it makes life interesting and it challenges the human spirit.  Change brings forth the new, hidden aspects of self. Change humbles us and thrusts us into the future where everything changes anyways. Change is inevitable, we might as well embrace it.

Below are some pix of the girl who likes to think of herself as a butterfly whose metamorphosis never ends :)